Posts Tagged Church
Leadership Destroys Community
Posted by Dr. Bill Donahue in community, Leadership on May 15, 2013
What kind of leadership destroys community and fractures a team? What role do leaders play in the process of fostering (or inhibiting) a sense of unity among team members, group leaders and staff? Here are some pitfalls to personally avoid and to confront in others when individualism trumps community. I have seen too much of this kind of leadership lately, and so I decided to revisit this topic.
Blinded by Vision
A vision is only as good as the reality it produces. Leaders obsessed with an ideal picture of what could be, fail to embrace what truly is. They live on vision fumes. Teammates and followers become frustrated and soon trust in the leader vaporizes. Activist and Pastor Bonhoeffer famously observed “the one who loves his dream of community more than the community itself destroys the latter.” We could paraphrase: “The who loves his or her personal vision more than the people being envisioned, alienates them.” It is easy to idealize our cause, mission, product launch, set of values or our service to a needy community, while ignoring the impact of our self-centered vision on the very people we are called to help.
Pre-occupied with Structure
When the model becomes the master community building’s a disaster (a cute rhyme but a deep truth). I have witnessed this in too many places—model-driven versus value-led leaders get obsessed with “the way” instead of looking at the values and processes that get you there. The structure serves the people; the people don’t serve the structure. Fluent teams and shared leadership mitigate against this. Top-down, top-dog leadership models tend to reinforce ineffective structure and promote unhealthy leaders.
Decidedly Irresponse-ible,
Any initiative requires strong leadership from the leadership team designated to carry out the venture. Leaders are “the voice” for the initiative and the guide to others seeking to build it. But there’s more. A leader who shuns the input of others and fails to consider their collective wisdom and insights is no longer responsible, leaving followers disconnected and devalued. This lack of response is the result of a failure – or a desire – to listen with empathy, respect and for the purpose of learning. Michael Hoppe’s Active Listening is a big help here. It takes some humility – and that goes a long way.
Focused on “Self”- Improvement
The inclination to use people instead of empowering them kills any team or community. When leaders make decisions from self-interest or self-promotion others lose respect for those leaders and then passion for the shared mission fizzles. Team leaders design meetings to meet personal needs or interests; staff members focus mostly on numbers and the success of big events; senior leaders make decisions to enhance personal agendas, and all this happens at the expense of the people we are called to lead.
Let’s look at our own leadership approach and style – are we killing the very thing we are working so hard to bring life to? If, so it’s time to change.
Life-Shaping Values
Posted by Dr. Bill Donahue in community, Group Life, relationships on May 13, 2013
What are the values that guide your decisions or influence how you spend your time? A few years ago I set out to define a few. I wanted them to be broad enough to address most aspects of life but have enough clarity to use as a “grid” or a “filter” for actions I might take, relationships I would be seeking, and how I might approach my work.
Values answer “WHY” the questions of your life, mission or a direction you are considering. They provide a guiding framework for reflection, decision making and time allocation.
Here are my four driving values. Confession: I do waste time and I do make bad decisions. But I know I would make more and squander more without a growing, guiding sense of why I do what I am doing.
Compelling Truth
I have to ask myself sometimes, “Is there are good reason I am doing this? What do I really believe? Are there certain “life truths” that guide me. Because I am a person of faith in the Christian tradition, I hold to some truths I believe have been revealed by God to guide our lives. These are captured in well-know scriptures and creeds. I think of the Ten Commandments, The Lord’s Prayer, Psalm 23, The Apostle’s Creed, The Book of Common Prayer, and some confessions and statements of faith created throughout the ages by various groups. (For an artistic and beautiful video rendition of Psalm 23, you might look at this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ervcj18qeyg .)
There are other important truths as well. Some of mine include “don’t sacrifice family to get ahead at work; honor your life rhythms; listen to your story and the stories of others; make the hard choice, most of the time it is the right one; your word is your bond; the news is not always true; everything works great until people show up; and, like they say, never take a sleeping pill and a laxative before bed. (Some awkward truths you just have to share!).
Does my life reflect truths I believe and do my actions contribute to their expression?
Inspiring Beauty
I love art, music, poetry, good food, great books and inspiring experiences. I use the term “beauty” to capture all of these because engagement with beauty moves me emotionally. Some beauty is superficial to be sure, and it can be used to manipulate and tempt and deceive. But at the core beauty lifts the soul, refreshes the heart and puts a smile on your face.
There is a deeper, truer beauty we need to pursue and embrace in the world and with one another. Model Cameron Russell shook the modeling world with her “tell all” talk at TED in January of this year. If you have not seen it, you must – especially you women. http://blog.ted.com/2013/01/16/model-cameron-russell-gives-the-real-story-behind-six-of-her-stunning-photos/
Does my activity add beauty to what we are doing; am I taking time to soak in the beauty of the moment?
Bold Love
Love is a most misunderstood virtue, often containing a mix of wondrous truth and awful lies. I wonder if many people truly understand love anymore, especially in light of how we demean and trivialize it.
Bold love implies adventure—the risk we take to offer loving acts of kindness, loving words of hope and affirmation, or simple loving expressions of touch or our presence to those whose lives ache with pain, heartache and rejection. “Bold” love challenges me to love others when at first they appear unlovable; it causes me to share love when it requires work to express that love (to the poor, the sick and the lonely); and bold love means receiving expressions of love from others even when I feel unworthy of love. It is the kind of love Dan Allender describes in his book Bold Love.
Does bold love define the way you view others, yourself, God and the world today?
Authentic Community
We are experiencing a return to communal life. The “rugged individualism” that Robert Bellah and others referred to in Habits of the Heart is finally giving way – in some places – to a more communal and “others-focused” mindset.
We all long for true community we are love, know, celebrate and serve one another, working together toward mutual goals and becoming a group of people that enjoy life together. I am privileged to share this kind of community with my family, a small group that meets regularly, some neighborhood friends, and some colleagues globally. For me, the “shared life” is the only life worth living.
Does a commitment to community guide the way you live, serve, and manage your life?
What are the values that shape you? Send them along so we can all learn from your thoughts – thanks.
Conflict Navigation – 6 Steps You Cannot Ignore
Posted by Dr. Bill Donahue in Business, community, Leadership, relationships on May 7, 2013
I was talking with my son on the phone about a situation he was facing – a conflict between two members of a group that was affecting the entire group of eight. So, instead of having their regular gathering, the two members plus three from the group gathered to work it out together.
As he described what happened and how they chose to handle it, I realized they were wise about how they approached the situation and resolved it. And it reminded me of some principles of conflict navigation that every team, group and leader should be aware of. I have practiced and taught this for years.
1 – Start Soon: The temptation to avoid conflict often leads to not facing it at all. People put it off so long they figure, “That’s water under the bridge, now. Let’s just move on.” Or they think, “Maybe it will fix itself.” I guarantee that never happens. Don’t let things go on so long that deep-seated feelings and anger start boiling under the lid. The next time there is a disagreement among members this pot is going to blow! You don’t have to act immediately; let emotions calm down, get a clear head, clarify what you want to say, and then in 24-48 hours deal with it.
2- Meet Face to Face: Not email, not texting, not writing a long heart-felt letter. The impersonal approach makes it difficult to have a conversation, read feelings, respond “in the moment” and intercept misperceptions before a long trail of emails or texts gets established. Have a cup of coffee and work it out.
3- Affirm the Relationship: Be genuine and let the other party (or parties) know that you are there for them, you want to restore health to the relationship or team, and that you value them. Name some positive contributions or attitudes you see, and remind them that “You matter to us/me and that is why we need to meet and remove this barrier to our friendship/work.” This let’s them know you really want to work this out and move on. You are not finger-pointing just to “win” or be “right” – rather, you want restoration.
4- Make Observations not Accusations: Avoid “you” language and use “I” language. “You are a liar” is just going to add fuel to the fire. Better to say, “Twice I heard you say that you would make that phone call Tuesday, and now it is Thursday and the client is frustrated. I am concerned about that relationship.” OR, “Yesterday when you and I were arguing I felt attacked for my opinion. I heard you say some very harsh words and it hurt me. We need to talk this through.” Stick with, “I saw, I heard, I felt” language and then let them respond.
5- Get the Facts and Listen: Once you have taken a minute or two to make your comments, listen and ask, “Do you understand what I saw/felt/heard and why that is causing a problem?” Make sure you hear their words as well as their emotions. Clarify, repeat what they are saying to show you are listening, and make an effort to show you understand their side. (Same thing if you are the third party – make sure to two people in conflict have heard each other by making them say what they heard. DO NOT assume they listened, and do not simply ask for a yes-or-no response to the question, “Did you hear what Susan was saying?”
6- Promote Resolution: “Ok, so where do we go from here? Let’s find a way we can move forward. What do you need to take place? Here is what I need.” It may take some time to fully restore a relationship, especially if the conflict was bad and harsh things were don or said. But at least you can get the “issue” resolved, agree to move ahead, and determine a plan for continuing to process the damage, as needed. Avoid the extremes of dragging it out or trying to “clean it all up” in a hurry just because it is painful. You will regret wither approach. Stay in the process and move toward resolution.
Some good resources to use are:
Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott – http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_10?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=fierce+conversations&sprefix=fierce+con%2Caps%2C189
Caring Enough to Confront, by David Augsburger
Keeping Community at the Core
Posted by Dr. Bill Donahue in community, Group Life, Leadership on May 2, 2013
I had the privilege of being with some great yet humble pastoral leaders last week at a forum in Atlanta. These 22 men and women are responsible for creating a climate where group life and effective teams can flourish in and through the life of the local church. Some world-renown churches were represented (Saddleback, LifeChurch, North Point) and some lesser known communities (Westridge, Sojourn, and Southridge in Canada) rounded out the list.
Church size, personal popularity, resources published, ministry longevity or the level of creativity were not the factors that made these leaders or their churches “great” in my eyes. Rather, they were successful because they maintained a relentless commitment to becoming a church with community at the core of everything they do.
Why? Because they knew and believed there is no discipleship without relationship! There can be no mass disciple-making using events and programs. Yes, you can create more followers with creative events, spectacular services and dynamic speakers. But you cannot make disciples.
As I listened to these friends and fellow leaders, it was clear that communal life and how it can change the world was truly at the center. It was not an afterthought, an add-on to be considered after focusing on fundraising, events, services, classes, programs and activities. I long for that kind of church.
But to be a place where community is at the core you must first believe that it really belongs there, where God put it and where Jesus lived it. And you must build everything around it. The heart of the gospel is community – the message that the God who lives in community came to restore community with his people through the life, death and resurrection of his son. (John 17:21)
How do we Become a Place with Community at the Core?
Here are some of the key insights that these leaders shared or that I took away as we engaged deeply about what it means for community to be central to the core of a church to catalyze spiritual growth and maximize world impact.
Strategy Matters: Organic growth is cool and new experiments are essential, but at the end of the day you need a cohesive, coherent strategy for building community life. It must not be so rigid as to inhibit innovation, nor so loose as to create unmanageable chaos. But you need one – missional groups, meta-church, life transformation groups, mid-sized communities…the models vary but not the need for a unified, cohesive strategy. And be careful not to over-program. The emerging discussion about Missional Communities was very provocative.
Clarity is King: Why do we do groups? What is our desired outcome? How do people get connected? Where do we find emerging leaders and how do we equip them? There are many questions and problems to solve, and most of them are complex or require real effort. But if you are committed to achieving clarity, you have most of the problem solved already. See Stanley on this.
Culture-Transformation is our Mission. Many Christians either attack the culture or run from it. But we are not called to build a community of navel gazers, obsessed with promoting an insulated, fortress mentality. People are lost, hurting, lonely, fear-filled, poor, hungry, homeless, hopeless, friendless, oppressed, unemployed, wounded and sick. We build community to strengthen the body AND enter the culture with a Luke 4 mindset. In God’s power we are setting captives free, bringing sight to the spiritually blind, offering good news and hope to the poor, and shouting out “God’s favor has come!”
Stories Stir the Soul: Listening to the stories of others and telling our story is a powerful way to connect people and build relationships with those outside our circle. Then we can connect our stories to God’s story.
Metrics Motivate the Mind: You get what you measure, but you cannot gauge progress without some markers. Without measurement there is no management. Plan to measure qualitative and quantitative growth, getting feedback so that you can focus your training and development of people.
Leaders Make a Big Difference: We all advocate the vision of shared ministry, mutual use of gifts, empowering one another to serve, and taking ownership of ministry at every level. But we also know that quality, committed leadership matters. We want a flatter kind of church structure, and we know that leaders themselves have a big role in making that happen. We have to give more away, take more risks, allow others to fail, and be the first to work ourselves out of a job. See my post about your leadership.
The Good News is the Best News: We affirmed our commitment to the gospel-story of Jesus, teaching His way of being with people, loving others, living a sacrificial life, redeeming us from sin and shame, and putting us on a new path toward abundant life.
I was so proud to be in the room with such an amazing group of servants whose hearts are tender, minds are sharp, and souls long for real change. And who can laugh at themselves (and one another!) in a way that is simply pure joy.
With whom do you gather for this kind of inspiration?
Where do you get real interaction and thought-provoking conversation?
Where do you discover fresh ideas and see strategies that actually work in real life?
Not just more speakers and content and information – but real engagement about life and ministry issues that produces lasting change?
We would like to encourage your feedback as it helps us to identify the issues that are important to you. It also helps others who are searching to develop new creative ways of leading. Thank you in advance for your comments.
Photo credit: http://welcome2hope.org
Spiritual Growth for Ordinary People
Posted by Dr. Bill Donahue in community, Group Life, Leadership on April 29, 2013
I can imagine asking a small group or team member in a church “Is spiritual growth important?” and hearing them answer, “Absolutely!” Then I would take a risk and follow that with, “Ok, but is it actually possible?” With some trepidation, most would likely say, “Yes, it’s possible.” Ok…now the defining question, the one I really want to ask. “Is spiritual growth possible for you and, if so, how is that happening now?”
Silence. Confusion. Fear. Shame. Doubt.
Welcome to “Awkward Moments in Spiritual Conversations” – the hottest new reality show.
To be clear, I believe growth is possible. And I have seen growth in my life. But not without much pain, sorrow, heartache or effort. And almost never without OTHERS!
Spiritual Growth is Intensely Communal
Church leaders remain convinced that people find hope and strength for their journey when they gather regularly with a small community for mutual support and wisdom. But it is no secret that they are seeking so much more. Inwardly they wonder whether real, lasting change is possible or if a group experience will play a role in their progress toward Christ-centered living.
I’m talking about your group and my group here. Group members are asking, “Is it possible? And if so, how does it happen? How do we know it is happening?” And for many of us in positions of leadership, “What role do group leaders play in this grand communal kingdom adventure of spiritual growth?”
Yes, publicly we are quick to declare that intentional, relational community is essential for life-change. But privately many fearfully wonder, “Can our group actually produce disciples? Can we become radically transformed human beings who are nuts about Jesus, instead of just nuts?”
Let’s be honest. We expect John Ortberg’s group to change. And we’re certain that a few weeks with Dallas Willard will take us just a few feet from the throne-room of heaven. And is there really any doubt that if we invited Richard Foster and the Renovare team to lead our group or team we would experience non-stop spiritual growth, upward and to the right, 24/7, every week of every year?
That’s what most of us believe—really. For THEM it is possible. But not for US. THEY are Transformational Titans and WE are Spiritual Slugs.
Don’t you believe it. Not for one minute. They are not super saints. (Trust me. I have seen Ortberg make a mistake, bumble in the pulpit and sweat in a staff meeting. And once I heard him say a bad word in public.)
BREAKING STORY…Ordinary Person says, “Spiritual Growth is Possible!”
All kidding aside, what attracts us to our spiritual heroes is that they are pursuing a life of devotion, seeking to make themselves available to the transforming grace of God in every part of their lives. But in this they are neither unique nor specially equipped. But they (and many others around the globe) are doing something. And it is something we can all do. It’s normal. And it is normal to need others to pursue lasting change. It is what the church is supposed to do and be.
Todd Hunter puts it this way, regarding the church and the good news it offers the world.
“We are cooperative friends with Jesus, living in creative goodness, for the sake of others, in the power of the Holy Spirit.” – Christianity Beyond Belief
Thankfully we had guides throughout the ages who have experienced this kind of life. And apart from a few mystics called to a more solitary way of prayer and life, they will all tell you that intentional group life – communal living in the way of Jesus – is a major contributor to lasting progress and permanent change.
Such change is both the opportunity and possibility for every Christ-follower. And it is the potential for every team and group in your church – to become a catalytic, change-oriented community of people in hot pursuit of a new way of life.
But it will take effort, something we “grace-focused” people think is downright heresy when it comes to all things spiritual. I am not talking about works—I am talking about effort. Go ahead…look at the phrase “make every effort” in the Bible. Peter, Paul and Jesus all use it. Why? Because they have given up on grace? No. Just the opposite – because grace makes the effort possible!
The spiritual life takes effort. We do not drift into growth or wander into deep, transforming community. Words like strive, labor and effort are not foreign to the bible, or to spiritual growth. In fact, they are essential. Look for yourself.
Dallas Willard has often remarked, “God is opposed to earning, but not to effort.” The words of the bible and saints through the ages bear this out. Effort is powered by grace. Earning is fueled by pride.
So make every effort – to persist in prayer, to work through conflict, to listen with intensity, to serve despite weakness, and to lead with diligence. In so doing you will not earn God’s favor – you already have that. But you will grow in grace, sharpen your focus and reap the rewards of faithfulness, as the scripture promises.
But whatever you do, do not do this alone. In community you will discover what real transformation looks like, for ordinary people like you and me, meeting in average small groups, led by reluctant leaders, yet fueled by the transforming grace of God and empowered by His Spirit. It is a messy process, this community thing. And it takes effort. But the Church—this ragtag group of spiritual misfits—is called to live in a community of oneness for the sake of others. And I, for one, am eager to learn more about how to enter this community with honesty, humility and skill.
I really need it. And so do you. And so do all the “spiritual giants” who have gone before us and guide us today.
Time to recognize spiritual growth is normal and not… uh … um … what’s that word… um… oh yes, …awkward!
We would like to encourage your feedback as it helps us to identify the issues that are important to you. It also helps others who are searching to develop new creative ways of leading. Thank you in advance for your comments.
Responding to People in Pain
Posted by Dr. Bill Donahue in community, Group Life, Leadership, relationships on April 18, 2013
“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
Responding to People in Pain – Transcribed
Want to talk to you today about responding to people in pain. In light of the recent events, the tragedy that has taken place around the Boston Marathon, there a lot of discussions and feelings and thoughts and emotions that people are experiencing. I happen to be attending a funeral later today for a friend’s mother and again in that situation there’s emotion and some suffering and pain and sadness as well as some joy obviously around someone’s life she lived a full life. But it makes us think about important things and I just want to address this today whether you’d lead in the marketplace or in a non-profit organization or in a ministry setting or in a non-profit organization or in a ministry setting, you’ll deal with people who have pain and you yourself will have it. So how do we respond, how do we deal with it and how do we gauge one another when we’re feeling these things?
First, I want to say pain presents an opportunity for personal growth.
Anytime we feel pain we can either medicate it or we can enter into it and process it a bit. Some of that gets processed with others, some just for ourselves, but I want you just sit and reflect on what you’re feeling and thinking about perhaps this national crisis or pain you’re experiencing in your own life. Where does it come from, what causes it, how do you talk about it and engage it? And maybe reflect on who could help you process that whether that’s a professional of some type of just a close friend. But it is an opportunity to look into our own hearts, our own souls and say, “Who is this person?” Why do I respond the way that I do? What do I do with these feelings? What do I do with these reactions? How do I do my work in the marketplace today knowing you have these feelings with me? Again, it may not be about the national tragedy it can be something in your own life that you just have to bring with you because it is with you and you can’t run from it. So we try to enter into those things. Pain gets our attention C S Lewis famously said running again more from the spiritual perspective that, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, He speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts to us in our pain, that it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” So it’s kind of an attention getter whether you come from that perspective in life or you don’t, maybe have a different perspective, but a psychologist, sociologist, others would agree pain is an attention getter. So what do you need to pay attention to around that emotional or physical or spiritual or other level of pain that you’re feeling?
Second, when you’re working with people who are experiencing pain and trying to engage with them remember that your presence is more important than your words.
Now wrong words can hurt, superficial words, trite words, trivial things that you say to try to medicate someone’s pain they’re not helpful. But don’t worry about trying to fix someone’s pain with your words. Your presence is what’s important. Take someone a coffee, sit with them, and attend the funeral if it’s that kind of situation. Or just simply reflect back to them say, “Sounds like this is really disturbing you this situation that’s going on right now,” and let people talk. But being present with someone is far more important than trying to know exactly how to respond or to fix or to do a number of things. So again as a leader as someone who deals with others in you’re setting recognize that sometimes it’s just even maybe a minute or two with someone, just pausing, sitting with them, letting them know you care about what’s going on in their life will go a long way.
And finally, shared pain builds teams, builds community.
When you provide an opportunity for everyone to talk about a shared pain, a national crisis, an event in the community, or someone at the workplace who has experienced a loss or a tragedy or is very ill or is maybe diagnosed with cancer, whatever, a chance to just sit and say, “Hey we all recognize this is happening we need to deal with it right now by just being present with each other and naming it and letting one another know we care.” That shared pain forms a deeper bond in any kind of place in which you work or in friendships in marriages and other kinds of relationships.
So look for that, one of those maybe three things, an opportunity for personal growth, who can you be present with and how, and then how can we share tough times together as a community so that we all grow and we face this reality of life and do it with courage as we lead well.
Image Sources: http://images.sodahead.com
Surrender vs. Submission – We Have a Choice
Posted by Dr. Bill Donahue in community, relationships on March 28, 2013
When we think of Good Friday and Easter we often think of what it means to “give it all” as Jesus did. We talk of surrender and submission to God’s will. But they are not the same thing.
In The Importance of Being Foolish, Brennan Manning says:
But there is an essential difference between submission and surrender. The former is the conscious acceptance of reality. There is a superficial yielding, but tension continues…It is halfhearted acceptance. It is described by words such as resignation, compliance, acknowledgement, concession. There remains a feeling of reservation, a tug in the direction of non-acceptance.
Surrender, on the other hand, is the moment when my forces of resistance cease to function, when I cannot help but respond to the call of the Spirit. The ability to surrender is a gift of God. However eagerly we may desire it, however diligently we may strive to acquire it, surrender cannot be attained by personal endeavor.
Another person put it this way:
When we submit, we “give in,” keeping the focus on ourselves. When we surrender, we “give up,” putting the focus where it belongs: on God.
Jesus decided to go beyond submission to the reality He was facing – He surrendered full to the Father. To put everything into His hands.
I wonder if I could ever fully surrender and let God have His way. Sometimes we sing about it – “I surrender all…” – and I know it is easy to surrender my all in a church service. It’s when Monday comes, or when we get the phone call, or someone gets the job after we went through 4 interviews, or when they say, “We need to do some more tests.”
Oswald Chambers, in the daily devotional My Utmost for His Highest on March 8 of this year asks,
Are we willing to surrender our grasp on all that we possess, our desires, and everything else in our lives? Are we ready to be identified with the death of Jesus Christ?
I would like to say yes. Indeed, in my heart, I do. But I need others to help spur me on, and I need to lean fully into grace if there is any chance at all.
So I leave you with these words from Chambers:
If you are faced with the question of whether or not to surrender, make a determination to go on through the crisis, surrendering all that you have and all that you are to Him. And God will then equip you to do all that He requires of you.
What more can we do? It is the only way toward true freedom. Resurrection Day freedom.
Groups Where Grace is in Place
Posted by Dr. Bill Donahue in community, Group Life, relationships on March 26, 2013
“It was my first time attending the group meeting, but I have to admit it, it felt more like a job interview.
I was thinking, ‘Do these people like me? Do I like them? What if they really knew me? Would they invite me back? Would I trust my secrets to them — and would they be authentic and tell me their stories?’ It was awkward and I felt judged. I want to be accepted, not analyzed; loved, not labeled.” Not cool.
This time of year affords many opportunities to welcome them home. Jean Vanier in Community and Growth reminds us, “A loving community is attractive, and a community which is attractive is by definition welcoming. Life brings new life.”
But will unconnected members and inquisitive seekers find a home in your little community? Will they feel like Roger in my group, who said, “I am here because even though I do not believe what you all believe, you make me feel like I belong?”
Some group environments communicate “Come in, kick off your shoes, and let’s hang out for awhile” while others warn, “If you meet the conditions and prove yourself to be worthy, maybe we’ll include you. But be careful … we’re watching.” The one factor that distinguishes the two environments is grace. It affects the ecology of the entire group, shaping the environment for everyone who sits in the circle. Sadly, we often affirm the reality of saving grace, but ignore sanctifying grace, the kind essential for all communal life to flourish. For some reason — whether fear, uncertainty, or the messiness of group life — we revert to rules and regulations, conformity and condemnation. It may be subtle — but it’s there. Not cool. Actually, it’s deadly.
What does it look like in a group? Grace speaks and receives truth without judgment. Grace brings resources to sinful and broken people, offering help and support. Grace creates safety that prompts healthy confession. Grace shouts, “I am broken, but I am loved!” When grace is in place, members of the group are “for” one another. New members feel welcomed and existing members willingly put personal agendas aside to accommodate the needs of others.
Here’s a caution. You may fail in the attempt to move from fear to freedom. People will struggle wondering, “When do I bite my tongue, and when do I speak the hard truth? When are we going to confront Mike? Or do we allow him to experience the consequences of his action, and love him along the way? Is Sarah convinced that we really do love her? That we will never hurt her as others have done? Can we fight and still meet for dinner after a meeting? Do we know how to distinguish “it’s bad” from “you’re bad?” The answer to all of these questions is a resounding, “I have no clue.” That’s not how grace works — it’s more art than a science.
Begin with the courage to name reality: “I see … I hear … I feel …” And them respond — that’s where grace is — in the response to shared reality and truth. Guard the messy moments when a heart opens up, when a confidence is shared, when a sin is confessed, when a dream is expressed, or when a wound is exposed. Do not be intimidated. Enter the sanctity of those moments with a holy fear and wondrous awe. Don’t run — God is in the middle of that burning bush.
As a friend of mine said, “People don’t want to join your strategy; they want to join your community.” And they will — if grace is in place. If not, the fullness of life in Christ will never be realized, hopes and fears will never surface, and prodigals will never come fully home. Law always produces death. But when grace is in place, stand back. The sweeping wind of the Spirit is likely to blow, and it may knock you off your feet. And that is cool. Very, very cool.
Four Marks of Authentic Community
Posted by Dr. Bill Donahue in Business, community, Group Life, Leadership, relationships on March 21, 2013
While I’m in the process of teaching a class on what is authentic Christian community and we focus on four marks of authentic community, of that the first is to know and be known. I call this storytelling, some people would call it self- disclosure but the idea is to open up my life to you as you open up your life to me. You know we have a deep desire to be known and to know others but things stand in the way, there are barriers.
Four Marks of Authentic Community – Transcribed
While I’m in the process of teaching a class on what is authentic Christian community and we focus on four marks of authentic community, of that the first is to know and be known. I call this storytelling, some people would call it self- disclosure but the idea is to open up my life to you as you open up your life to me. You know we have a deep desire to be known and to know others but things stand in the way, there are barriers.
It’s usually fear, fear being misunderstood, fear of being shamed that my story isn’t valuable to you or maybe I’d bring some hurts and wounds from the past and you can’t accept them or when you hear about those you say, “Whoa, what is that about you?” so I’m worried that you’ll judge me, maybe I’ve had bad experiences in relationships in the past. So lots of fears or barriers might stand in the way but our deep desire is to be known and to tell a story to others and to hear their stories so that we can know them better. So carve out a place and some time to know and be known whether it’s on your team or in your small group or whatever. That idea that we need to carve out a place and whether it’s in a group setting or at a meal or an extended time together at a retreat but we need a place and then we need some time together. Community doesn’t happen quickly and so if we can devote some extended time to telling our stories and getting to know each other it’s a big step to building community.
A second of one is to love and be loved, to express love and receive love. Gary Chapman in The Five Love Languages book, years ago picked five areas we can do that in. With words, because some people are words people they need to hear or see in writing that you care about them, that you appreciate them. Some people are touched people, they need a hug or handshake or you know, that punch in the arm or something but that the touch is important that says I connect with you, I care about you and I know you care about me. For some it’s gifts, actual tangible things, “Hey, here’s a book I want to lend to you” or “I heard this great music on this CD I want to give you” or maybe you were traveling and you said “Hey I thought you while I was traveling and I picked up this little object here this token of my appreciation for who you are” that little iconic sort of thing represents your affection for them and that gift is something they can look at it see if they feel cared for. Service is another one, just doing acts of service, serving others, doing the little things to encourage them and lift them up, do chores for them do the hard things in their life for them, help them with their taxes or whatever. And then finally time, just spending time together is another way to say “Hey, I care about you I love you, I’m glad you’re in my life.
A third one is to serve in the served. To use our gifts, abilities and talents for the sake of others in our group and outside of our group in the world around us and to be served by people to let them serve us appropriately. That exchange builds a sense of bonding and encouragement and oneness. And then finally to celebrate and be celebrated, everybody loves to be affirmed and encouraged.
I have to think today, how can I affirm and celebrate and encourage others in my group, on my team, in my world? So, take some time to know and be known. Think of some ways to express love and receive it. Find some aspects of your talents, gifts and abilities that you can share with others and serve them and be served by them. And then be thinking… “How can I encourage someone today, how can I build them up by celebrating who they are and allowing myself to be celebrated by them as they do the same for me?”
We’re All in Rehab
Posted by Dr. Bill Donahue in community, relationships, Vision on March 15, 2013
We’re All in Rehab (So a little grace goes a long way)
Like many of you we’ve had our share of challenges the last few months. To give you perspective, we are sending our Christmas letter just in time for St. Patrick’s Day. The week before Christmas my wife had a serious fall, broke her leg and damaged some ligaments. This was followed by 2 injuries to my basketball-playing daughter, a junior in high school. Not to be outdone, I followed with a back injury, and my 83-year old mother who lives up the road rose to the occasion by having some health challenges.
In January our living room was filled with walkers, icepacks, ace-bandages, crutches, and a motorized scooter. It looked like a rehab center on steroids. But it gets better – this past week my wife and daughter were in a car wreck on an icy hill. Thankfully they’re fine, but it was a traumatic event fraught with great potential for disastrous results.
Initially, I did not see the rapid-fire stream of text messages popping on my phone – I was teaching a class. But soon I saw the screen flashing, and what I read was terrifying. Dad!!! Accident!!! Please call!! DAD!!!!! Help! !!!! Call us now!!! Immediately I got hold of my wife and discovered all were Ok.
I left my university office after dealing with the aftermath of the accident, and stopped at our little coffee shop before leaving campus. “Hi, Dr. Donahue, how may I help you?” the student-attendant asked warmly. “Just a cup of coffee. What do I owe you?”
“Nothing,” she replied with a wry smile. “It’s your luck day.” Really? You’re kidding me. Please…my family doesn’t need any more ‘luck.’
I smiled gently back as if to say, “Dear child, you have no idea how wrong you are.”
“No…really. It’s perfect timing. The graduate student who was just here said, ‘I’m buying coffee for the next person who walks up here. Just tell them to have a great day and enjoy the coffee.’”
I had come to the shop looking for a little caffeine; instead I got a double-shot Venti cup of grace. More than what I needed. Much more than I deserved.
Now I really smiled, and she was beaming with joy. She was getting such a kick out of my response, just standing there, a sense of wonder and irony filling my soul…ambushed by grace. She had no idea what was happening but she was pleased with the joy that filled the room along with the aroma of a free coffee.
And, as though that wasn’t enough, I was graced once more as I left the building. The university is not very far from Lake Michigan, and a light, gentle snow was falling. Lake effect snow that can come briefly when the cool winter air meets the moisture off the water.
It was a slow, quiet snowfall. Large, floating flakes that calmly drifted toward the earth. Not a sound was heard as I walked to my car through the forested area that surrounds the parking lot. Quiet, still, peaceful, restful, beautiful.
And there, in the quiet, I heard the Voice…the still, small Voice. No one heard it but me. Because it was just for me. The Voice compelled me to see a reality that was greater than my circumstances. The grace of God was coming resting upon me like the steady, beautiful snow, blanketing my sorrow, worry and fear with joy, peace and hope.
It was as though God said,
Bill…learn from this snow and experience my goodness and favor. Feel it as it rests on your head and lands refreshingly on your tongue. This is my grace on you.
To be sure, at times I pour it out in one thunderous heap that buries you in love and healing in times of extreme trial and suffering; but this time, there is no grace blizzard in the forecast. This time it comes as a gentle but relentless shroud of comfort, wrapping around your frustrated self and weary heart.
Your steady flow of life’s challenges is now met by My steady flow of grace. Like a small cup of free coffee, or a gentle, quiet snowfall, enjoy the little gifts of grace I am providing for the journey.
And remember…My grace is always sufficient for you.
I needed that. I really needed that.
You see we are all in Rehab. We are all hobbling around on the crutches of uncertainty, anger, fear, loneliness and grief. And we all need grace. Lot’s of it, we assume.
That’s ok. There’s plenty to go around…there’s no shortage of supply…no lack of spiritual resources.
But the good news is we only need a little.
Because a little grace can go a long way.
We would like to encourage your feedback as it helps us to identify the issues that are important to you. It also helps others who are searching to develop new creative ways of leading. Thank you in advance for your comments.
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