Much silence makes a powerful noise – African proverb
I asked a gifted therapist, “If you could teach leaders only one skill, what would it be?” You guessed it. “Listening,” he said, “And it should be taught to the entire team and the entire organization, not just the leader.” Wow.
Some Common Misconceptions About Listening
Listening happens when we are not talking. Well, that’s half the truth. Zipping the lip is a first step toward creating a posture of active listening.
Listening and not talking means I agree with what is being said. Granted, if you do not talk for a long time it may appear that you are in agreement. Nodding your head and saying, “Uh-huh” is not the best thing to do, as you shall soon see.
Hearing equals listening. Hearing is essential to listening, but it is not the same thing. Ears detect sounds that the mind never processes.
Listening is easy for quiet, introverted types. Perhaps. But maybe the quiet people are simply not talking—but that doesn’t mean they’re listening.
Deep Listening Takes Real Work – But It’s Worth It!
Here are some strategies to ensure deeper listening is taking place.
1) Please stop talking. This is the start of something beautiful. A Jewish proverb says, The one who answers before listening, that is his folly and shame (Proverbs 18:13). When someone else begins talking, please stop talking.
2) Focus attention. I recall M. Scott Peck emphasizing that in order to truly listen, it is impossible to do anything else at the same time. Eye contact, re-orienting your posture and stopping whatever you are doing communicates, “I am here and engaged with you.”
When my daughter was about 10 and would come hopping past my home office while I was working on something, I would put it aside, and acknowledge she was there, even if she had nothing to say. It communicated she’s important. And a, “Hey, girl! Looks like you’re having fun!” said, I really see you! And she’d just grin ear to ear.
Like you, I am far from perfect and easily distracted, so I have to work at this and, sadly, fail too often. Partly because my brain, like yours, processes 4,000 words a minute, while our ears hear about 400, and our mouths speak 100 words a minute. So it’s easy for our minds to wander while others are talking.
3) Let others know you notice. What do you see, hear, feel, and think as the person is speaking? How are you reacting to what is being said? Here are some phrases that tell the speaker you are noticing something:
“You sound frustrated.”
“That sure brought a smile to your face!”
“Could you repeat that—I want to make sure I really heard what you said?”
“I hear a little fear in your voice—am I right?”
“Interesting… you just said: ‘For the first time I am standing up to his criticism.’”
“Wow—that takes some courage. Is this a big change for you?”
“I felt sadness when you talked about your loss. I see it affects you deeply.”
4) Communicate what you have heard. Henry Cloud says a person really feels understood when they understand that you understand. This is an important and neglected aspect of listening and one I am working on to get better. It means really engaging with the person at all levels. By feeding back what someone said—after you have processed it and sought understanding—you create a communication loop. Basically you are communicating, “So I heard you say….and it sounds like that means you are challenged by…”
Remember. Listening is an art and a skill that takes time to perfect. And it is worth the work. Because deep listening will solidify relationships, sharpen your teams, and strengthen your soul.
Did you hear what I said? Really? Ok – I was just checking.
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